But this was before GPS enabled maps. Nowadays in these kinds of shows a map comes up on a screen and a little red blip of light pulsates around the target. We get to see on the map where the target is moving without the expense of a location shoot.
This morning I was tracking a package via the UPS website. I thought, Wouldn't it be cool if I got to see in real time where my package was? It'd be downright thrilling! A little red blip would start pulsating somewhere on a map and I'd start squealing with delight. "It's on the move! I can't wait for it to get here!"
Every time the red blip would stop I'd become a mess. "What's taking so long?! Why hasn't the blip moved in five minutes?! Don't they know I'm completely incapable of processing anxiety the anticipation of waiting for this package requires?! MY GOD I'M GOING TO EXPLODE! HURRY UP AND DELIVER MY PACKAGE!"
By the time package actually showed up at the door, I'd be curled up on the floor in a self-soothing state of rocking back and forth muttering to myself covered in cuts with a bloody knife by my side. I would have no energy to get up and even sign for the package. The driver would leave one of those fancy Post-It Notes saying he would try to deliver the package the next day, between the hours of such and such and such and such, knowing full well he wasn't going to adhere to a real time schedule. I would have to log in again, if I had the energy, and start the whole tracking process over again.
Oh my god, this is the worst idea I've ever had. Well maybe not the worse but I can write with some certainty I never want real time tracking of packages now. I really do have a hard time processing anxiety the anticipation of waiting requires. Every time I order delivery my life is cut short by a few months because I worry a lot about being able to hear the door bell ring.
God, I need some Xanax, stat.