Him: How are you today?
Me: Tired.
Him: Me too. Got to bed late and woke up early.
Me: Me too. Did you wake up because of nightmares?
Him: No. You?
Me: Yeah, I kept dreaming I was working for Martha Stewart. That bitch just cannot be pleased.
Him: Gayest. Dream. Ever.
Me: But I haven't even told you about all the stuff she wanted glittered.
--
Me: Drinking coffee before doing office work is like taking a Viagra before watching Schindler's List; neither is appropriate
Them: ... *crickets*
Me: Well, okay, maybe taking the Viagra is appropriate.
---
While watching a fisting scene
Me: Am I the only one watching this and thinking about the Einstein Field Equations
After seeing a distended rectum at the completion of the scene
Me: Okay, let's try this. Am I the only one who looks at that prolapsed rectum thinks of Calabi-Yau manifolds?
