overheardinmyhead

It's her sex and she wants it now!

Woman on 8th St at Howard talking to a man who has Rev. Sharpton's hairstyle.

Woman: I want some sex.
Sharpton Head: When you want it?
Woman: Now.
Sharpton Head: How much you want?
Woman: A lot.
Sharpton Head: For how long.
Woman: Twenty minutes!
Sharpton Head: Alright then!

Twittered but Deserves a Proper Post

Lady: Why do all the Popes slump?
Guy: Years and years of bending over to suck 5 year-old cock.

One Incendiary Device Please

In a bar last weekend, this completely clueless guy asked the bartender for a Molotov cocktail.

The bartender squinted his eyes and just shook his head in disbelief. "Do you even know what that is?" he asked.

"Not really. But I've heard of them before."

I was half hoping the bartender would make him one, but he didn't.

The Hunchback of 8th Street

Picture it: a malnourished homeless man wearing only a two-sizes-too-small Speedo standing at a mail truck. He's quite hairy and I think I can make out dingle berries on his back hair. Half his junk is hanging out of the Speedo. He's got a fantastic curve to his spine making him look like an unclothed Quasimodo.

Quasi: I'll want two chicken tacos.
Mailman: What?
Quasi: Two chicken tacos!
Mailman: This is no taco truck
Quasi: You can't refuse me service! I'm an American!I want tacos!
Mailman: This is a mail truck. It has mail. I don't make tacos.
Quasi: You're gonna make me tacos, dammit!
Mailman: Good luck buddy. This isn't a taco truck.
Quasi: Asshole!

Heard behind me in the crosswalk at 18th and Castro.

Guy 1: No, I love fat people.
Guy 2: Really?
Guy 1: Yes girl. You gotta remember I used to be one. I mean, I still am. I got an eatin' disorder.
Guy 2: No, really?
Guy 1: Mmmhmm girl. This body has been lipoed. I've been sucked, tucked, implanted and plucked.
Guy 2: Well you look good.
Guy 1: I know that's right. Lets go to Badlands.

At 18th Street and Eureka by the side of the market a guy and his girlfriend are facing each other. She has her hands out trying to push him aside. He put his hands out to keep her at a distance. He falsetto laughs and in the same voice says, "I didn't tickle you honest. Tee hee!"

The girlfriend replies, "I didn't tickle you, no really. Honest! Tee hee hee!"

Gay passer-by says, "And you straights think gays are into freaky shit. Take your foreplay out of this neighborhood, straighties!"

Gay passer-by looks at me, "There goes our neighborhood."

Christmas Day Redux 2006

An entry of conversations on Christmas Day 2006.

8:30AM

Me: Morning Gizmo (a friend's cat I'm taking care of)

Gizmo: Hisssssssssss!

Swats at me with her paw

Me: Merry-fuckin' Christmas to you too, bitch.

12:30PM in a Cab

Cab Driver: You first person I ever pick up on Castro Street.

Me: Oh really? I get picked-up on Castro Street all the time

Joke falls flat.

Driver: I work from 4AM. No one around. I could pull off me shirt, pants, underwears, run around in street and no one would see, it so dead.

Me: Wow, now that'd be frightful sight. Um, how long have you been driving in SF?

Cab Driver: Three month. Here three month.

Me: Oh, where are you from?

Cab Driver: Brazil.

Me: Nice country.

Brazilian Cab Driver: Lemme ask you: what American's do on Christmas?

Me: Well generally speaking, children wake up on Christmas morning to find presents under their Christmas tree and their stockings filled with gifts brought from Santa Claus. Of course this is just a ruse propagated by parents who feel the need to lie to their Children in order to not only go along with popular culture-- which these days is affected more by capitalistic greed than anything else-- but also to give their children some faint sense of holiday wonderment which will cause those kids to have a rude awakening when, on the play ground one day they'll get made fun of for still believing in this lie about Santa Claus. Sadly when they're adults and have children they too will lie to their kids. It's a never ending vicious cycle.

Cab Driver: Oh.

Me: Traditionally there's also a large meal that's shared with family and sometimes friends.

Cab Driver: What American's eat?

Me: Often ham or turkey-- or both ham and turkey. And sides like salads, stuffings, vegetables, breads, you know-- that kind of stuff. How about in Brazil?

Cab Driver: Oh we have a big Bar-b-que. Everyone comes. So no Americans eat pig? Pork?

Me: Ham is pork.

Cab Driver: Oh? This I not know.

Me: So do you guys roast the pig in the ground?

Cab Driver: Yeah, we take it's insides out and put them aside. And we rub it with red pepper, um... black pepper, um... white pepper. Then we cook it in pit in ground.

Me: Sounds yummy.

Cab Driver: Lots of people come. Drink beers, listen to music, dance. (Holds up a large energy drink can) Aye, this not working.

Me: Oh, you don't have any energy?

Cab Driver: No, lots of energy. Just working since 4AM. So lemme ask you, is it true American men only have 'ex once a month?

Me: What?

Cab Driver: I should not be asking. But, 'ex once a month? I have American woman friend. She tell me she and American husband only have 'ex once a month?

Me: Oh, sex. Sex? Sex once a month? Hmm, well yeah that's probably true if they're married.

Cab Driver: Ohhhhh. If I only have 'ex once a month I kill myself. I kill myself.

Me: How about in Brazil?

Cab Driver: Oh man, we have 'ex four or five time a day.

Me: Really?

Cab Driver: Yes. My girlfriend come over she talk to me and...

he punches a fist into an open palm

Then a little later she puts her head on my lap and...

he punches a fist into an open palm

Then maybe her parents are gone and...

he punches a fist into an open palm

Me: No wonder Brazilians have a lot of kids! Probably explains why a Brazilian wax is so popular. Easier to get outta the gates.

Joke falls flat

Cab Driver: Another American friend says she and her boyfriend go to club to watch other people ah-fuckin' so she and boyfriend can get turned on. You ever heard of such a thing?

Me: Oh yeah.

Cab Driver: They go to Power... Power--

Me: Power Exchange

Cab Driver: Yeah, you know it?

Me: Know of it, but I've never been.

Cab Driver: I never heard of such a thing in my life. We don't have in Brazil.

Me: That's because you're all to busy--

I punch a fist into an open palm

Cab Driver: That true. That true.

2:00PM Chinese Food Restaurant

Drunk Asian Lesbian Waitress (DALW): Ah Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Me give for you Christmas special. Soup and tea free! No lunch Special today. It Christmas.

Later...
DALW: Oh, one prawn left on plate. You eat or Santa Claus no come to house next year. Give you no presents!

Later...
DALW: Me give you two fortune cookie. One for Christmas, other for New Year. Open other on New Year! Not before New Year! On New Year! Not before. Understand?
Me: What will happen if I open before New Year?
DALW: World explode! Laughs Kidding. I only kidding. Bad luck. Family die. Laughs Kidding. Only kidding.

3:30 PM Musée Mécanique

Laffing Sal: Hahahahaha, hahahahaha, hahahahaha, hahahahaha, hahahahaha.

4:00 PM Fisherman's Wharf

Me: Good God, look at all these women wearing Ugg Boots. Didn't they go out of style five or more years ago?

Monica: It's disgusting.

Me: You know why they call them Ugg Boots, right?

Monica: Why?

Me: 'Cause they're Ug-g-ly.

5:30 PM on #19 Polk bus

Homeless Woman #1: Can we have a ride to California street? My friend and I have been working all day at the church serving food and giving away presents to children. This is my friend here. She's with me. We spent all day working at the church. Can we get a free ride to California Street? We want to go home.

Asian Bus Driver: Yes

HW1: Thanks. Thanks. We served a lot of Chinese at the Church today. Gave away a lot of present to the Chinese.

Asian Bus Driver: Did you see me there?

HW1: No

Asian Bus Driver: You wouldn't serve me food or give me a present

HW1: What? I would have served you food.

Bus driver laughs

Small old Asian woman gets on the bus and sits right between Homeless Woman 1 and Homeless Woman 2. HW1 moves over.

HW1: I want to give you more room. I served a lot of Chinese today at the church. Merry Christmas.

Old Asian Woman: ......

HW1: Merry Christmas? Merry Christmas. I said 'Merry Christmas'.

Old Asian Woman: .......

At California Street they get off. Monica and I stand up to get off as well but a third homeless woman with a black eye and drunker than Cooter Brown steps up onto the bus. Monica and I smile at each other and sit back down.

HW3: Will you grant me passage?

Bus Driver: What?

HW3: Will you grant me passage?

Bus Driver: What?

HW3: (slowly) Grant... me... passage?

Bus Driver: Are you asking me for a free ride?

HW3: Yes.

Bus Driver: Then you need to ask me for a free ride. Where are you going?

HW3: Can I have a free ride? I just want to go home.

Bus Driver: curtly Have a seat lady.

The bus takes off

Bus Driver: Hold on!

HW3 falls onto small old Asian lady.

HW3: I'm so sorry. Sobs I didn't mean to fall on you.

Old Asian Lady: .......

Monica and I stifle laughter. We missed our second stop. We continue to ride on to listen to the lady.

HW3 to no one in particular: This has been the worst Christmas ever. My sister? Yes, my sister just died in a car accident. I narrowly escaped with my life. It's been the worst Christmas ever.

Monica and I can't even look at one another. I pull the cord to have the bus stop. We dash out of the bus and erupt with laughter.

7:30 PM Walking down Van Ness heading home.

Homeless man lying on the street in a very profound and authoritative voice: If we didn't have assholes... we wouldn't have shit.

Does that make sense to you?

Sadly, it does.

Double the Crazy, Double the Fun

Yesterday I ran into two crazed homeless men driving shopping carts. The first man was at 9th and Brannan, yelling at all the fancy cars that drove by, telling each of the drivers how he was going to "fuckin' choke and slap" them until they were "a bloody mess!"

I happened to be on the phone at the time with my mother. Briefly I mentioned, "There's a crazy man yelling-- you should be able to hear him in a second."

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You goddamn mother fuckin' pieces of shit. I'll slap you until you're bloody!" He spat as I paused next to him at the corner waiting for the light to change. "Fuck you who talk on phones!"

"Are you safe?" my mother whispered as if the man would be able to hear her.

"Yeah, he's not going to do anything but yell." I had spoken too soon. The man had taken off his ratty boots and thrown them out into the street, thankfully away from me, however the funk of his crusted blackened feet swelled in the air. I wanted to vomit.

Before the light changed I moved out into the street to cross. The odor was just too overpowering. I took up a seat on the bricks outside of The Concourse to catch some sunshine and finish up my telephone conversation. I watched the man berate the passers by, several SFPD drove past but never once stopped to talk to the man, and who would expect them to?

After awhile he pushed his shopping cart down the street and was out of my sight for good.

The second man was at 16th at Market by Asqew Grill. At first glance I thought he had a tan until I realized his skin was caked with dirt. He was pulling his shopping cart, pausing every few steps to turn and cock his head as if he were listening to someone.

"Shut the fuck up Joyce" he yelled. "I don't want to hear it anymore. I said, 'shut the fuck up!'" The pulling of his shopping cart became erratic. "Talk to God yourself Joyce! Shut the fuck up! You're nothing more than a goddamn-white-nigga-cum-slut!"

I bit my lip to stifle laughter. Clearly this man was in no mood to hear me giggle. I wondered why Joyce need this guy to talk to God for her? I figured she must have cancer and felt that if she directly asked the Almighty to heal her he wouldn't listen.

He screamed at the top of his lungs, "I'm going to kill you Joyce! I'm going to fuckin' kill you!"

Is that anyway to talk to someone who has cancer? I thought.

He started slapping frantically at the air as if he was being attacked by a swarm of bees. He let go of his shopping cart and it began to roll down the incline building up momentum and heading straight for me. I side stepped and let the shopping cart hit a parked car. The car's alarm sounded.

"You fuckin' bitch! Look at what you've done Joyce!" He ran to his cart, which had left a tiny scratch on the car's door.

"You're a cunt! A big fucking white-nigga-cum-slut cunt!"

I felt really sorry for Joyce. Of all the people she could talk to-- she picked a crazy one.

Fleet Fully Clean!

Dr's office: "You'll need to be fleet clean."
Guy: "What?"
Dr's office: "Fleet enema clean."
Guy: "So like 'fisting' clean?"
Dr's office: "Well we don't need eat out of it."

Pothead v. Alcoholic

Picture it: I rush out of work and I'm angry. No good reason, just angry. I round the corner on to 17th Street and there are two women yelling at one another. That causes me to pause and become happy. Why? Because I love when people fight.

So these are two African-American women. Both short and both about the same age. But as you know, black don't crack so I have no idea how old either one is.

Woman #1: Fuckin' just pick her up some beer!
Woman #2: Fuck no!
Woman #1: Pick her up some beer.
Woman #2: Fuck you!

I get to the corner and Woman #2 shows up next to me, ranting. Every other word out of her mouth is fuck. I love it. I start to giggle like a little kid who has just gotten presents.

Woman #2: I'm sorry I'm bitching right by you.
Me: No worries.
Woman #2: It's just my grandma is 89 years old and I don't want to buy her fucking beer. I mean, she lets her grandkids smoke pot up in her house. Why can't she go smoke with them instead of being an alcoholic?
Me: (thinking WTF) Gee, I don't know, ummm but good luck with that.
Woman #2: Thanks.

Therapy

While walking down Noe Street towards Duboce Park at 10:30 PM.

Guy 1: "You need a therapist."
Guy 2: "I'll write my own personal philosophy on acceptance, thank-you-very-much."
Dog 1 to Dog 2: "Sheesh and they call us 'bitches.'"