What's the difference between being sassy and being mouthy? It's all in the intonation. Take for example this afternoon. I was checking out at the taquería by my office. The place is narrow and can only hold about five customers at a time. Right by the register is a beverage refrigerator. I was partially blocking the fridge because I have broad shoulders. A woman, who was behind me, reached for the fridge but since my back was to her I didn't notice what she was doing.
She said in a voice best described as get-the-fuck-outta-my-way, "I don't wanna hit you in the arm."
Now on any other day someone saying something rude would cause me to take off my clip-ons in preparation to rumble. At the very least I'd cut the bitch with my tongue. But today, maybe it's because I'm surprisingly not hormonal, I played the gay sassy card, a card that is often missing from my deck.
In my best sing-song voice I replied, "Well that's why the phrase 'pardon me' evolved in our language." Then all of a sudden my body spasmed into doing a cha-cha dance move followed by a neck waggle.
What the hell just happened? I thought to myself. I'm as stiff as a board usually. The only rhythm I'm accustomed to is the rhythm method that keeps me from getting pregnant.
Whatever did just happen made the lady behind me laugh. Thankfully. She was a DPT officer and she had about 100 pounds on me and would have won any fight. She was a dead ringer for Grizelda from Desperate Living. And if you've seen the film then you know how she took down Mr. Gravel. I certainly do not want my life to end smothered by butt-cheeks.