overheardinmyhead

Macy von Poopmeister 2000 - 2005

Last summer when I fled Fell Street my ferret Macy moved up to my parents. It was to be temporary until I could find a new place to live. Unfortunately circumstance didn’t allow for her return to San Francisco. My sister called me after 10 PM to let me know that Macy had passed away. While on a trip to Southern Oregon in 2000 with my sister, I went in search of a hedgehog. While visiting a pet shop I saw a dozen kits (baby ferrets) and fell in love with Macy. She had just woken up from a nap and ran over to me. My sister said she was the one I should get. After a run to Fred Meyers for supplies Macy went back with us to our hotel room. Of course ferrets are not welcome in California despite an estimated 1,000,000 ferret owners state wide. Therefore Melissa and I smuggled Macy into the state. We were stopped at a agricultural check-point and I felt so lame as I forgot where we were coming from and where we were going. I'm not a good liar under pressure. Luckily we made it back to Ukiah unscathed. Macy was a world renowned smuggler. Her hobbies and interests were the black market, playing ball, theft, karate, talking long distance, smoking clove, travelling, the '70s, pop culture as it relates to velvet paintings, ninja movies, kicking ass and riding her Harley. Her favorite movies included Beastmaster, Along Came Polly, The Last Ninja and Kill Bill. Her favorite bands were The Chimpmunks, The Doors, The Cure, The Allman Brothers, The Kinks, The Cowboy Junkies and all other bands that start with The. Macy maintained an online personal. In her own words: Shoot, I don't even know what to type here. It's kind of hard since I have such little arms-- tho' dancin on this keyboard is dyno-mite! A'rite, I like to wrestle but not in the mud. I like to talk on my cellie. I run "special" merch back and forth between SF neighborhoods. I pack some serious heat, mmmhmmm. Sometimes I steal my neighbors' cars so I can joyride through the City, but never on Sundays cuz I like hangin down at the dock and shootin the shit with the sailors and dock workers. Shoot, I also like to hiss and spit. A'rite, killing stuffed animals or things with bells is a favorite pastime. Oh and I'm totally into leather, shoot.

On the people she wanted to meet:

Heck, I want to meet people I can call long distance while using someone else's phone. Other bikers, or someone who wants to ride bitch, and I know you do. Anyone who enjoys smoking clove or herb. Wrestlers. Angus from Free for All, he's hot. Mebbeyou, that is if you're packin treats. I gots a couple boys so I'm not lookin for luv, just a little sumthin-sumthin, you dig? Shoot.

To sum Macy up, she was simply kick-ass.

[Real Life] Breaking News!

There was some urine found on the toilet at my apartment. Yes, urine on the toilet! Couldn't you just die! And there was hair in the sink. I just can't imagine who could have done that. Heinous crimes! Heinous crimes! While trying to find the culprit, I received this email:

 

Hey Guys. 

    

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been sneaking in your apartment when you’re not there – single white female style – and using your bathroom. I thought you wouldn’t mind but apparently you do, and I apologize.

    

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re a girl. How do you get so much urine everywhere?” Well, first of all, I’m a croucher (don’t like cheek-to-porcelain contact) and second of all, there are two things in the world that make me wish I was a man, and one of them is peeing standing up – so I like to practice (obviously I need to practice more!).

    

So, now that we’ve all been honest and open I will totally respect your property and wipe up after myself. I will also be sure to rinse my pubes from the sink after shaving my hoo-hoo-dilly.* By they way, hoo-hoo-dilly is my cute little synonym for vagina. Though gay, I’m sure you all know what a vagina is, even if the last one you saw was your mom’s when you were coming out of it.

    

Okay well, let me know if you have any other problems. Now that I’ve “come out” as the secret bathroom user, maybe now it’s cool if I keep a small stash of tampons under the sink?

   

Name Withheld Pending Investigation

*

Also refered to as a cha-cha.

[Real Life] Stunned Homeless

Out at lunch I'm walking on Capp Street. Up ahead are three people sitting. One got up and stands in my way.

"Hey man you got any change?" barks the man.

I pop back "nope."

"I can hear it rattling in your pockets."

I jingle my jacket pocket, "What you hear are housekeys. But you don't know that sound because you're homeless."

Stunned, they just look at me while I pass.

[Overheard] In the eye of the beholder

Overheard outside of Duggan's Funeral Home on 17th Street

Latina Woman: The mortician made her look like a whore.
Latino Man: Yeah he did. She looked beautiful.

[AVFMC] Pig Star

Twinkle, twinkle piggy star, how I wonder what you are?

[AVFMC] Graffiti Round Up

I have like a gazillion graffiti photos I took last year and didn’t post. So without further adieu, from the streets of San Francisco (ok one is from Silverlake):

[Mix] Insomniac Theater

Here I go again, another insomniac post. I'm listening to Guns 'n' Roses' "Patience", the mockingbird outside my window is even drowning out Axel. Little bugger, I hope his singing doesn't last until the Fall. Yesterday I took more sidewalk graffiti pictures in one day than I normally do. A few were latent images on the sidewalk that don't show up unless it rains. One more reason for me to cheer the downpours. My favorite type of graffiti, when the artist embellishes what's already on the sidewalk. This is reflective crosswalk paint and what Trickybrit's coworker would call "Sharpie."

[Whatever] Yeah, I don't get it either

I love reading The San Francisco Bay Guardian, probably because it's free. But it also features columnist like the coolest writer in SF, Michelle Tea (and if you haven't picked up any of her books or attended the RADAR reading series held monthly at the main branch of the Public Library, you're missing out. Seriously click on the link and quit reading this post.) But I digress, as I always do, probably because I'm an insomniac and this is really the Nyquil I took writing, anyway-- now that I'm on a tangent have you noticed how long this sentence is, good lord I need to stop it but feel powerless. Yay! That did it. Anyhoot, where was I? Oh yes. I love reading The San Francisco Bay Guardian. I love their ads. But what's up with this one? Is it saying that Asian women don't know how to work a penis? Sheesh, I'd be confused by that diagram. I thought it was some weird butterfly.

[Awesome] Swishy, the Butt Pie-rat

You rock Scott.

[Overheard] No, he uses gerbils

City construction crew at 18th and Castro
Guy #1: I found out what that is in the window.
Guy #2: You mean that paperweight?
Guy #3: Yeah, it's a paper weight, right?
Guy #1: Nah. (Lowers his voice) It's a butt plug.
Guy #3: A what?
Guy #2: A plug for your ass.
Guy #3: Not for my ass-- asshole!