Dawn had just broke and I was parking in front of the grocery store. As with most mornings a man was power washing the sidewalks of the shopping center and I was taking care not to get wet. As I jumped over a puddle I heard a gruff voice yell at me. "You jump like a fuckin' fairy!"
"Duh shit," I replied. "I am a fuckin' fairy!" I looked over and saw a man sitting on a bench, in his late fifties, with a scraggly salt and pepper beard. He was obviously homeless. He was tooth-free but had a wolf's grin.
"I could turn you into a stud!" his eye lit up and he manhandled his crotch. "Come over here and let me choke on your meat."
It was too early in the morning to get cruised by an actual tramp. I can handle advances post-10AM from any sort of person. He stunned me. I had no witty comeback so I offered up a boisterous "Ewww!" which made him laugh.
I shuffled into the store to gather my groceries for the day. Maybe it's because it's Pride weekend, or maybe because I'm not a total asshole, I thought I should give my could-be hobo lover a little something to eat. I took extra time picking up things for him as well.
Back outside the man was harassing a pigeon until he saw me. "Hey sweet-cheeks! Why don't you come on over here and let me do what I do best."
"The mind reels," I said reaching into my canvas shopping bag. "I got something for you."
"And I got somethin' for you!" He opened his mouth and started flicking his tongue.
I handed him a kielbasa sausage. "This is the only meat I'm letting you choke on."
"Here this is for you too." I handed him an egg salad sandwich, because seriously, what can a man without teeth really gum, besides sausages.
The hobo turn soft all of a sudden and looked like he was going to cry. "I love you," he said.
And all of a sudden, I felt something. Kind of like in the cartoon when the Grinch's heart grows two sizes bigger. But I was feeling something physical too. The hobo was grabbing my crotch.
I jumped back. "That isn't going to happen!"
He chuckled. "Just want to thank you."
"Words are enough. Have a good day, mister."
I turned and walked away.
"Hey," he called out. "Jump one more time!"
I jumped across a puddle and as I landed did a pirouette.