When it comes to meeting men lately, I’m a failure. In public I never check guys out because I’m too caught up in getting to my destination. Unless a guy is hanging out at my doctor’s office, the Vietnamese place where I eat lunch or at the gas station, I won’t notice him. I’m completely blind to (normal) people on the street. Of course it’s harder nowadays to meet anyone because I hardly leave the house. Still I check Craigslist Missed Connections on the off chance the following message will appear:
I’m a cute short Jewish guy with tattoos and a beard who saw you, the handsome guy with a reddish beard dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt, hanging out around your bedroom. I’d love to hang around your bedroom too. We could spin your vinyl and play video games, though that certainly isn’t an exhaustive list of what we could do. *wink, wink*
Being dateless hasn’t always been the case. For a time I was quite open to meeting guys. A few years ago while buying doggie biscuits I met a guy named Kevin. He was easy on the eyes and had a great personality. I figured we’d get along great. Nothing seemed to faze him. It turned out that was completely not true.
It was during this time I was taking care of Jim’s dogs several times a week. They were taking up most of my free time but still I was dating. I met Kevin in a pet food store so I thought it was a given he liked animals. I suggested he come over to watch a DVD on our second date and meet the dogs. He said it was a good idea and we set a time for him to come over.
The evening we got together didn’t get off to a great start. Cassie, the Great Dane, would not stop barking at Kevin (Cassie is a man hater.) Her bark is booming and after telling her to knock it off she hid in the kitchen letting out sporadic woofs so we’d remember her discontentment. Stewie, the Jack Russell, on the other hand was all over Kevin. Jumping, licking, bring him toys to play, wanting more attention than Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears put together. Come to think of it, Stewie wasn’t wearing panties that night. Slut.
After putting the movie into the DVD player, I picked Stewie up and held him on one side of me, while strategically placing myself within potential touching distance from Kevin. Fifteen minutes into the movie Cassie got up from the kitchen and started circling the couch like a shark. When she passed Kevin she’d let out a low toned woof. It was obvious she wanted to sit on the couch next to me, or she might have just wanted to bite Kevin's throat. Bitch was trying to make moves. If anyone was going to bite Kevin's neck, it was going to be me.
“Do you mind if I scoot closer to you so she can get on the couch? I think it will keep her from being annoying.”
“I guess that’s ok.”
I scooted over, the distance between Kevin and me was almost nonexistent now. I patted the open space on the couch with my hand. Cassie stepped up and Stewie promptly left my side with a growl. While Cassie made herself comfortable, Stewie jumped up on Kevin and started licking his face. Stewie was full on trying to make out with Kevin. Yet another dog beating me to the punch.
“Push him off if he’s annoying you.”
“Oh, it’s ok. It’s o—“. Stewie slipped him some tongue.
I scooped Stewie up and made him lay on his back on my lap while I scratched his chest. This calmed him down. I had no idea what was happening in the movie at this point. I don’t think Kevin did either.
Five minutes later Cassie farted. If you’ve never smelt a Great Dane fart, considered yourself blessed. I’m not going to get overly descriptive but imagine the scent of the Devil’s dirty asshole, after eating rotten broccoli queesh and multiply that by the 10th power. It was rank. Cassie is always surprised when she breaks wind and promptly stands-up, cocks her head to one side while looking back at her rear and then starts twirling in a circle trying to discover what just happened to her butt.
I apologized for the gaseous eliminations. Again Kevin said, “It’s ok.”
Cassie settled back down and Stewie went and lay on the floor.
The movie went forward. Nothing was happening between Kevin and me. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
As soon as the credits rolled on the movie Kevin stood up. “I’ve got to go,” he announced while walking towards the door.
“Oh, um, ok” I said. “I'll call you later.”
“Actually, I don’t think that’s a good idea. It's apparent things aren’t going to work out between us.”
Wow. Really? Because of some dogs I take care of?
I walked him out and I swear, as soon as he passed the front door’s threshold he ran. Ok, he didn’t really run, but he was out of there and there was definately a ploom of dust being kicked up by his feet. I turned around and headed back into the apartment. Cassie and Stewie were right at the door and acted as though they were seeing me for the first time in days instead of minutes. I said to them, “Jesus, Christ dogs, now I know what single mothers go through.”